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January 24, 2011

I don’t think I’ve ever maliciously wished an animal dead.

Pigs are different… they are clever and intelligent. Smart enough to piss me off and make me believe that they’re doing it to get to me. I actually feel like they are effing with me, and laughing about it.

A couple weeks ago, they figured out that the pain and shock of pushing out of the electric fencing was worth the pay off: free range, compost, garbage, … THE BARN – knocking over grain buckets and devouring everything. Then that was old, because they’d end up sleeping in the rain somewhere. So we put them in with the goats, until we could figure out a suitable electric/portable fencing set up that would contain them. Then they flexed their giant muscles and broke the field fencing and let themselves out of the goat pen. Then we put them in the old chicken pen, which features fencing that has been dug into the ground. They broke through the gate, and let themselves out.

Then. We put them in the chicken tractor.

That did the trick… for a couple days. Then they broke the fencing on the chicken tractor and let themselves out. I retrofitted the chicken tractor twice to contain them. This chicken tractor is so buff now.

My last attempt, affixing a metal barn door to the side of the tractor, still was unsuccessful. They managed to break that down too.

Last night just after dark, I heard them break down my metal barn door. It was too dark to do much about it, now that every pen we have has been broken by them in some way. So, I figured I’d get something rigged up in the morning, that would likely be destroyed by sundown.

Today, I get up and go outside to find that the pigs have totally ransacked the garbage. I mean, it is EVERYWHERE. There is nowhere to put them and this ocean of garbage is ever expanding as they spread it out over the property. I get a garbage bag and start picking up the trash. What do they do? Start biting my legs and feet, and grab the bag out of my hands and redistribute the trash through out the area.

squeeeeeee! we have traaaaaaash!

I went to the barn, grabbed a bucket of grain and lured them into the old chicken pen. I threw the grain in the old little red chicken house and locked them in. Then I repaired and reinforced the gate that they had broken.

When they broke themselves out of their obsessive grain binge spell and realized that I may have beat them, just this one time, just for this morning, they threw a fit and were jumping all over the fence, shooting lasers at me out of their eyes. One area of fence actually started coming up from the ground, they were pushing so hard. I realized the chickens had scratched away a lot of the dirt that had buried the fence. So I reburied it to reinforce the fence line.

Take that. You effing swine.

Now, I step back a moment, out of my fleeting mental instability, my boiling rage, my incessant pregnant-lady hunger, and realize these piggles are about to be reaching sexual maturity. They’re like crazy hormonal, super hungry teenagers.

Ok, give them a ton of food. Like, a TON of food.

They seem pretty happy at the moment. Either that or totally defeated, I can’t tell. Whichever, I don’t even care, as long as they stay in that damn pen.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. ryan permalink
    January 24, 2011 4:56 pm

    this is fantastic.

  2. January 25, 2011 12:05 am

    lazers / eyes = + . Best part!

    🙂 I’ll try some bacon btw!

  3. jentastic! permalink
    January 25, 2011 7:27 am

    Build a stone wall, like on that Beaker Boys show….or EAT THEM.

  4. Jared permalink
    January 26, 2011 8:06 am

    effing swine!
    nice work, sweetheart.

  5. Jared permalink
    January 26, 2011 8:08 am

    oh, and for everyone to know: that’s two months worth of garbage because a) we forgot to put it out in december and b) we forgot to pay the bill so they didn’t pick up in january. we don’t produce that much garbage on a weekly basis or anything. k.

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